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Guardian Angel of Deliverance"I'm the Guardian Angel of only one person...he seeks salvation...which he shall earn"
May 27 Out of Date ProfileIf your viewing my profile... I sorry to drop the bomb, but i'm really older than It says. I also don't use Windows live as much. If you want to contact me.... i'm on Facebook.
Sorry all May 08 More helped... The More Help Required Lets just say... I'm lost.... I'm suffering.... I'm in one really deep whole.... I'm worthless yet unqiue. What I have to go through everyday... I mean... what I do not show... is hard. I hide it.... I cover it up.... it blends with me... But who really wants to help me?! I just was a freindship that will not break, through think and thin. I want get my life back.... Since the begining.... it has gotten worse over time.... Only a few years back I starting worrying... Worrying about everything and anything... really ...the basis of it is an Anxiety disorder. Yes... I'm mentally retarded.... but I could break this curse...somehow. What I face everyday... The good, the bad, and the ugly....well... it really sucks. The good that does come out, it is soo small... It sometimes cannot be counted. The bad... well... it can be horrible or not noticable. If all good is hexed? If all Good is cursed? If all good has something against it... well... there will not be any good until all evil is Vanquished. Vanquish the evil, Purify the land, Bless the souls and Spirits, and let good Prevail.... But.... This will never happen. WE'RE ALL DIGGING DEEPER... DEEPER INTO OUR DEMISE... DEEPER INTO EXTINCTION...DEEPER May 04 4 for life.... 4 for love.... 4 for the heavens above.... I know I have depression but else do I have wrong with me?! I worry too much, I feel like I'm mentally retarded.... If there is a way out of... why must I have to keep searching for it solo? No guidance nor light, each step is a risk. I want to be normal or as close to it as I can get without having to play a game with myself. I am suppose to be enjoying my teens but it isn't turning out the way I want it to be. Also some of my "views" and thing bothering me inside I rather keep them quiet so I don't have to stress others on the days i'm blue. The days I do cry are most likely the days i'd rather die.... The days I hope for the future are harder to find since all the mist covering them from infront and behind.... The days I want barely every come, I try to find but it seems like i'm also leaving my future behind. I want to break this hex, but my attempts are futile. But who really cares? just enough to keep me standing. I think, I don't really know if there is a future for me but if it why is it so hard to find and hard ot get to?! Guardian... is what before me a test? a test of endurance, strength, and stamina? thou shall let me not fall nor become something I ist not. Guardian... I thank you... for making my day today Guardian... Lost aint I, Broken shall I not, I shall fight. The video below is "The Rasmus- No Fear" May 03 Almost my Birthday Really I can't wait for this day to come. I want to break free of my "hexed" 16 and hope that 17 will be way better. I hope for the future it will turn out close to what i've seen. I hope
life will...hopefully improve from this hard year........ I hope that
what I will have to face in the future, I will know how to overcome. But will my dreams be answered? or will have to suffer another year of hitting rock bottom? hell if that happens I hope there is something to stop me.... How am I suppose to go on if I have to do everything by myself? I faced a very very hard 16.... Please my guardian let not my 17 be what some I have for-told. Please show me what a more prosperous future..... I really hope my dreams are answered..... But, I do not know if I have a future or even if there is someone looking out for me. Also what I've gone through, what was hurt hasn't healed nor have I lost the sorrow from loseing a close friend.... HELP ME PLEASE, guide me through my darkest day, get to where I well and truly belong.... April 26 Falling... Back into... Torment Why? Why now? Everything is going so good(well not everthing) and then something knocks my balance. I feel somewhat like I am in torment in Guild Wars Nightfall. I feel like i'm a trapped soul and only a hero can save me. I don't want to fall down again. I don't want to rebuild by bridge to peace. I know it isn't my actions, what I say is for the better, what I do is to help forever, What I want is Peace and Equality. I feel like crying out "SOS".... "SOS".... "SOS" But then again no one would answer back.... I'm feel like i'm in a cage in torment, demons forcing me to their bidding, forcing me against my will, forcing me until.... Why must this always happen? What is causing this all? What must I do to overcome it all? It could be caused due to actions in the past, It could be trying to tell me what may happen in the future, but is messing up the present for me. The Video Below is The Rasmus remake of ABBA SOS April 22 Choosing the Two of Lesser Evils I find it just when every thing is going good, someone or something just likes to pull me down. They go whenever I have something to say or something I'd like to do...they just tell me "maybe some other time" or "are you sure you really want to do/get that?". There is also other things that like pulling me under... like what people may say to me(I take everything seriously unless it is to hard to believe), or when people do to others around me. I know i'm split... but not in two... i'm more like split into four. Four sides pulling and pushing, fighting to be the to have its outcome actually come. But the darkness slowly will slowly take over and stay keep it self in control. I feel more like i'm playing a game, I know the move "I" want to me, yet i'm having four other people trying to force me to change my mind and do their move. If only I could break this "loop"... but I don't know how..... I just find it hard do the simplest of everyday things, I worry, I get confused over which one or thing to do first, I get thinking about "what would happen if I did this one instead of the other three?".... It all plays a major factor in my demize........ April 21 Impossible Is Nothing.... Impossible is nothing, we all have been given a gift, yet some of us don't even know how to get acess to it. Some of us have been given a "higher self" and yet others have been given a more victious one. None of whom have been given these will not speak up due to what may happen to them. Some of us may have ESP yet don't know what to do with it or if it is really possible. I doubt some people were overlook, since we are all equal yet we don't know how to treat other in the same way. Everyone has something, some type of power, something that is helping them and guilding them to the future they will have. One thing that gets me... what if angels are walking among? what if demons are doing the same? Your probably thinking "Ok, he's crazy...." but what if they really are? There is nothing out there to prove they are or they aren't but isn't it better to believe than be someone who says "not possible, can't happen, won't every happen". If-if you are a skeptic of everything, really what would say if the polar ice caps melted all away? and you said "Global Warming won't ever happen and we're doing nothing to speed it up"... really what would you do? If you cannot believe in anything I hope you at least have one thing to believe in no matter how crazy it may be because who says "it isn't possible" "To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe.
" Anatole France April 16 Two Sides...One Path I knew this would be comming something, just not this soon. I "thought" the happiness I was in would last longer. It just seems to be the more I try to fight it the harder it pushes and pulls me into places I thought I would never see again.... All the things I thought I over came, well, they came back stronger; All the things I thought I could tell people... I have to repent. I don't understand why some people cannot read body language...but then again, I may covering it up very well. Really...I don't know weither my goals/dreams are achievable if I cannot break this "hex". All the things I know that would help everyone and the world, if I told someone they would probably think that, that is impossible to create. It also doesn't help have a speech problem, hard for you to put your thoughts into words and even harder for people to understand what your trying to say. If only I could have a second chance..... If only I could change my errors I made in the past..... If only..... Somethings I just cannot do cause I just to shy or afraid of the answer. Somethings I wish I could do but I lack the knowledge. Somethings...well they just annoy me, but that doesn't happen often. No one believes me, so why should I speak? Some want me to speak but they cannot take everything, so I find it pointless even trying. (therapest is execption) I doubt no one will try to safe.... Please Comment April 11 Pathways to Freedom.... Pathways to Human Rights... Why must we always take the muddy dirt road through our history instead of the paved one? I think this is may be due to over governments and their view of the world(WE NEED MORE $$$); but really? It is nessary to not let the world have equality and have sexist and raceist groups influencing the world in all the wrong ways? The main reason I think some of the problems are going on today is because way back in history when women didn't have rights, they should have had them; ballance= equality. But since only recently we have given into the movents to give them rights, yes it is good we did it...but why not sooner? Since it took so long to pass one bill, we're going to have to deal with the extremeist from both sides until we can find the equaliberium and ballance/equalize this mess we should have cleaned up sooner. Another pathway our governments like taking is the pathway of war, why war you may ask? War= MONEY$$...... They use the war to help their economy and to get resources they didn't have access to earlyer. Can we clean up our mess? well... NO! governments are too stuborn to budge from their hill and the rich get richer... poor get poorer, human rights change(when they should only change to help everyone...without any exclusions), sexism, raceism.... all things bad seems to be drawn to our governments. the solution.... make our governments repell these... JK... really our governments have the solution but they will never use it.... April 02 Spring has Sprung...Finally! I'm really, really pleased that spring as finally arrived. Instead of being couped up inside(I'm not for it nor against it) playing games, reading, or just plain doing nothin', we can go outside and enjoy the beautiful blue sky, white clouds and warm weather. Really... this is my favorate season out of the whole year, but then again I am a May child. I want to try somethings I haven't been able to do in a long time; like fishing, sailing(maybe this will happen in summer), archery(that is if I can fit it in), and a few thing I can't think of. In one month, on the first week, I will be having my 17th birthday  . I doubt it willbe boring yet I doubt it will be one that will change me. The only thing I want is a real emerald pendant on a gold chain. I hope I will get this but I don't know really how to bring it across my parents without scaring them due to it's cost...i'll have to figure that out. Really...I'm feelin better, much more joy, and I don't want this to go away, I'd prefer if this stayed. But it may go away if someone or something breaks my foundation I have put up with very little support. PEACE, PROSPERITY, EQUALITY, AND FREEDOM March 27 A Tribute To.... I'm writing this as a way to say thank you to everyone who has help me in one way or another. A Tribute To.... My loving family for when I needed something they were always there ready to help. My Loyal, caring girl friends(note the space) at school. You have help, some have you have hurt me...but the wounds have healed. Keep making me feel welcome and I will slowly break my shell. My Loyal Guild Wars friends, You have been there when I needed someone to play with or someone to talk to. You where all there to help keep my mind clear and clean. My Loyal Friends at Storiesmania, we are all writers, we all express our views differently and majority of you have helped me in sooo many ways. Admins, Editors and members like me, if we spoke you have probably helped me in some way. My Out of school friends.... Small things can change anything in large ways. The School counsellors...in all the ways you have help and get my life back on track. My therapest...I need to get my life back on track and keep it there...please help me achieve this goal. To all of you above.... THANK YOU March 18 One Week Of Work...One Week Of No Play From last journal entry, I unfortunatly picked a cold. I haven't got a cold in about 5-6 years...so I was over due to catch one. I know from march 8th on wards I didn't have access to the computer(I gave it up) cause I want to beat the bug. MARCH 10TH ---TO---MARCH 25TH=SICK Friends and people that know me in other ways...please don't worry I shall be back...hopefully stronger... Also I hope my luck for the future changes for the better not the worse so I can do more things I been meaning to do. March 08 Taunted, Tormented, and Helped.... I don't really know how to put this in a away without insulting someone or have them interupt it wrong. I find it that...yes I do get help for what i'm going through...but I would have to say at most 60% of it...I don't know if it is taunting me or trying to help me. If you happen to look up depression(please do if you have the time)...girls DO NOT need as much help as guies over comming it. Guies need someone or some friend willing just to do a little bit more(like get together often) and lighten the sufferers mood. Yet very very few people are willing to step into that place. I know in some of my previous posts...I refered to other people's lives as "boring"...which in so many is wrong. Really no ones lives is "boring"...it is only boring if you CANNOT find something to do. I am trying to keep inner peace...balance between my two sides[my Taurus side(selfish, demanding, greedy, and quite stubborn) and my other side(kind, caring, respectful, patient, affectionate and trustworthy)]...but it is hard since I want to open up a little bit more. I'm galde i'm getting some type of help...but if only I had someone(even in a friend MMORPG)...that would help so much...but it isn't that easy. Unfortunatly with school...I don't have the time I would to have...I have to face a slight fatigue every day. I-I just hope that what i'm going through will get better over time...not worse........ Thing I'm doing or going to do to over this: lighten Up~just try to become a bit more postive...since i'm neutral.... Be A Bit More Outgoing~I'm shy, get nervious easly...hey...I just need to become a bit less worried.... Become More Spiritual~look at previous post "The Ways Towards Finding Inner Peace" Find Some New Things To Do~Find a new hobby or hobbies.... Post Here instead of putting stress on friends..... there is more...I just can't remember them.... March 04 Good Guys Are Rare... Why is it that good guys always finish ast in the dating game? Well...they don't always finish last...it is just that they are judged for being"uncool" or some other reason. I find this quite odd...since a gal would rather go out with a guy who has broken the law than someone who always does good and puts others before him. In this world good guys(like me) are extremly rare...I mean we are maybe 1 in every 1 million. I think the reason why we are sooo rare in this world is cause others are lacking what all of us good guys have...a different view of the world. I don't believe in speaking for all good guys...since everyone has their own option...and no one has the same(very unlikely). When I starting trying to get into the dating seen...my fist approch of telling the gal I had feelings for...well...was a little bit...well...not the smartest idea. I was going to see if I could tell her through locker messages...my plan of having her not known who I am until the end of hte day failed. She and her friends hunted me down...I had to hide and not be seen by them until the group split up. I planted the message near the end of June...I was put under pressure by her and her friends until summer. After that...I still had some feeling for her...but not as much as before. I also felt like a fool for trying to teel her in the way I did. My second try...well...almost worked...but our Zodiac signs didn't match. Earth and Air....beautiful but unfair :(. I contacted her through email(since I had hers)...The response was so fast...same day...not even two hours. But this raltionship...it was worst out of all of them.... She was the first person(besides the school counsellor) that I had depression.... It seemed to get little by little bit better as we got to know each other better. I regret asking her if she loves me...(I asked her the day before the school dance)...The response wasn't what I wanted.... I was shot down...I couldn't sleep...the only thing I could think about is death...my death.... The following day at the dance...well...I felt horrible...I could shake the thought of death...she didn't want to dance with me...and that made me feel like a loser and an idiot for trying. We are friends but...She doesn't know the full extent of her actions. I feel so far...if there was a weapon( a knife, posion...etc)...I would have acted and taken my life the day before the dance. My thrid try at love...well...it was a 50/50 chance it would work...but I forgot to consider one major thing. Is she wanting to start a relationship? answer...no. She was one of the friends of the gal I tried before. Our signs matched...my other reasons made it didn't work out.... When she did stand me up[over IM(MSN)] ...after hearing it...I had the though of suicide cross my mind.... I was in sooo much pain after hearing it...the only way to get rid of it...was self mutlation...I cut my right arm once...one shallow cut...and the pain...it just bled away. I do not recomend doing what I did...I only did it since I could think of doing something else...I was also and still am fighting depression. Good guys do not have to finish last...the only reason they do is because gals would rather go out with someone who has done a crime than done good. I hope by telling you what happened each time I tried to tell the gal I love..that I love her. Please open your mind and try to look for the cream of the crop...the best of best...and you will find a great guy. |
I enjoy these music videos...so now you can also! enjoy :D
More Meaning...More Beautiful
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